Addiction. It's today's topic of choice! And it's gonna be a long one. For those that know me, they are aware of my past and the progression I have made. For those that don't, or do know me but dont know the whole story, it's about to get ugly.
I have an addiction issue - mainly that I am an addict. A few of the things I am addicted to; alcohol, cigarettes, coke, vicodin, coding, acid, x, caffeine. Some of these are worse than others, however I would like to point out that I have been clean for many years on the heavy drugs (with almost no relapses) and no longer take pain mess without a real reason.
I am also addicted to sex. But not in the funny sex-comedy way in which Stiffler can't get enough, he's just a whore and there is a difference. Being addicted to sex (or love in some cases) has caused the end of my last two major relationships and cost me countless chances and friends. It's why I won't do monogamy and it's a major fear I have with getting involved in a poly-relationship.
Why sex addiction? Most sex addicts don't actually enjoy sex - we often regret doing it before, during and after the event. However, having sex or being sought after in a sexual way makes me feel better about my life and choices. I feel as if I am worth more when someone wants to fuck me, regardless of who that person is or what possible side effects may come from it.
There are two major things that happen with sex addiction, at least for me.
1) Because I value being wanted for sex over personality, I fail at forming most healthy relationships with people. There are times in which amazing people have passed through my life but I couldn't grab hold from fear that they might be repulsed by my actions.
2) Those that do become friends with me often become sexual with me in some way - whether that be actual sex or flirting. But it doesn't mean that I actually want them. It means that I want them to want me. Strutting around in my underwear or nude because I know they are looking. Making sexual comments or outright telling them I am interested in them. It's all a ploy (subliminally) and it's not good.
I have about 20 different log ins for websites regarding hooking up, many of which are for fetishes or scenes that I am not really interested in. (Ask for the list if you are curious...) And I check each of these sites at least twice a day.
There is also the "emotional horniness" that comes with it. Mood changes, in any way shape or form cause me to become excited. Seriously. Being happy, sad, angry, nervous, afraid, excited, etc all cause me to actively look for sex. As does being surrounded by groups of (specifically gay) men.
The hardest part of this is rejection. Being rejected by anyone feels like a slap in the face. But deeper. Being rejected means that I am now less of a person. Everything I am revolves around whether or not I am sexually appealing to someone and if they are not interested in me, the must think of me as a disgusting, pathetic, awful person.
This even extends to current partners and relationships. If Fox turns me down because he is tired or sick or whatever, I automatically believe it is because he hates me and wishes I was gone.
The good news is that if I sleep with someone more than a couple times and still talk with them or are friends they have survived my addiction and I generally like them and know they like me.
So how do I cope? How do I cope with being constantly in need of sex or desire? How do I cope living with a gay roommate and staying at Foxs house with his gay-poly-family?
I drink. And I drink a lot. Most nights I am intoxicated; some are just a buzz and others involve me passed out at 9 after only drinking for 45 minutes. I can handle being around others when I am drunk because I won't make any attempts to fuck them. And I handle making an ass of myself because at least I didn't do anything that I, or someone I care about, would regret. Which sucks because there are people I am generally interested in pursuing for non-selfish reasons that I won't go near.
It's not a healthy life.
I am not a healthy person.
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