Guilt

I come from a Jewish family so I know all about guilt. "Why don't you call me anymore?" is the most common thing I hear when I call my family, even those I talk to weekly. So I can handle guilt. And by handle, I really mean ignore.

Case in point - today. I get a text from Fox asking if the New Beau, Matt, can hang with us tonight. After everything that has happened this week, after the intense emotional progress that I, at the very least, have gone through I never expected this.

Why would he attempt to bring him back in so soon? Why would he even bring it up? Why did I say "Sure, sounds fun!" Because of guilt.

Guilt isn't easy to escape when you let it take root. And I would feel guilty for not allowing someone I care for to be happy, even for a night.

But should I also then feel guilty for denying my own happiness? Yes and no. Although I don't want Matt around right now, I should never have agreed to something I wasn't ready for.

I can't escape the guilt I feel when I hurt fox but I can bury the guilt I have when I hurt myself, because it's easier, it's safer. It means that what I fear the most is true.

And I'm guilty of that.