I dont believe in much. I dont believe in god, most scientific theories, that JFK wasn't a cover-up or that I can love someone. Love isnt probable for me. Love isnt possible for me. Love isnt smart for me. Ive got too many things to do right now and love just gets in the way.
Fox loves me. And until very recently I have been unable to cope with that. When he says "I love you" I often pretended not to hear him or just kiss him and smile.
In the end it comes down to one thing - is he worth it?
Before I answer that, let me explain Jealousy.
Jealousy is an ugly little monster that lives deep in my stomach. Its black, ugly and mean. It rises up at random and makes me turn into a wretched lunatic. I admittedly get jealous easily. At the bar when someone sits too close to Fox, when I find out hes online chatting with some guy, when he talks about someone cute that he sees at a bus stop on our way to lunch. And when, after Fox's 10th time asking me to be his boyfriend and I turn him down saying "Its easier just like this. Why change it?" he brings home a new guy. One that is perfect for him. One that may be able to return that love that I refuse to acknowledge exists.
Thats when Jealousy goes berserk. It led to four drunken nights full of hideous texts, phone calls and crying visits. It lead me to chat drunkenly with John and Little Fox (Fox's sorta-ex that moved to Oregon - the one that got away.) about why I needed to leave Fox because I couldn't handle it. I attempted to leave him no less than three times in four days.
It was ugly.
And it also led to me being able to tell Fox I loved him. Because I do. Because hes worth it. And thats whats so difficult for me.
Its not the poly thing, or the relationship thing, or the sex thing, or the other guy thing. Its the love thing. Thats what scares me the most.
No comments:
Post a Comment