Fail

A brief phone call can change so much. Things that I was worried about yet dismissed have come to light.

And now there is a lot of questions, concerns.

The structure of it all will have to change. In the end, if it is worth it, it will be worth the effort - regardless of the outcome.

And this post is meant to be cryptic to more than just the few who need to know. I don't do this much, but this time it is appropriate.

Shiny and New

Months ago a boy came along that got Fox all in a tizzy, but after a series of events he kind of disappeared for awhile. Mostly because his wife wasn't prepared to deal with his homo-ness. (That whole ordeal will have to wait for another post.)

Well now Mont is back in the picture. How do I feel about it? Pretty fucking good actually. 

The difference with this one is that I have made a very big deal out of being involved. If my boyfriend wants a boyfriend than we need to become friends and be able to talk or hang out without things getting awkward.

Except that after exchanging numbers and talking a bunch (helping him deal with his impending divorce and coming out) I seem to have developed a crush on him. 

A big crush. 

Fox thinks it's hot but I'm not 100% on how Mont feels. At the very least he will be a good friend.

Update - I wrote this post a few days ago and never got around to publishing it. Since then a few things have changed slightly and one the the changes is that now I know that my crush on Mont is entirely mutual. 

Yay!  

He spent the night with Fox and I and we moved at the pace he set for us. It was strangely comfortable for a new experience with someone. 

I certainly can't wait to see him again, regardless of where things end up. 

SALAA

Addiction. It's today's topic of choice! And it's gonna be a long one. For those that know me, they are aware of my past and the progression I have made. For those that don't, or do know me but dont know the whole story, it's about to get ugly. 

I have an addiction issue - mainly that I am an addict. A few of the things I am addicted to; alcohol, cigarettes, coke, vicodin, coding, acid, x, caffeine. Some of these are worse than others, however I would like to point out that I have been clean for many years on the heavy drugs (with almost no relapses) and no longer take pain mess without a real reason. 

I am also addicted to sex. But not in the funny sex-comedy way in which Stiffler can't get enough, he's just a whore and there is a difference. Being addicted to sex (or love in some cases) has caused the end of my last two major relationships and cost me countless chances and friends. It's why I won't do monogamy and it's a major fear I have with getting involved in a poly-relationship. 

Why sex addiction? Most sex addicts don't actually enjoy sex - we often regret doing it before, during and after the event. However, having sex or being sought after in a sexual way makes me feel better about my life and choices. I feel as if I am worth more when someone wants to fuck me, regardless of who that person is or what possible side effects may come from it. 

There are two major things that happen with sex addiction, at least for me. 

1) Because I value being wanted for sex over personality, I fail at forming most healthy relationships with people. There are times in which amazing people have passed through my life but I couldn't grab hold from fear that they might be repulsed by my actions. 

2) Those that do become friends with me often become sexual with me in some way - whether that be actual sex or flirting. But it doesn't mean that I actually want them. It means that I want them to want me. Strutting around in my underwear or nude because I know they are looking. Making sexual comments or outright telling them I am interested in them. It's all a ploy (subliminally) and it's not good. 

I have about 20 different log ins for websites regarding hooking up, many of which are for fetishes or scenes that I am not really interested in. (Ask for the list if you are curious...) And I check each of these sites at least twice a day. 

There is also the "emotional horniness" that comes with it. Mood changes, in any way shape or form cause me to become excited. Seriously. Being happy, sad, angry, nervous, afraid, excited, etc all cause me to actively look for sex. As does being surrounded by groups of (specifically gay) men. 

The hardest part of this is rejection. Being rejected by anyone feels like a slap in the face. But deeper. Being rejected means that I am now less of a person. Everything I am revolves around whether or not I am sexually appealing to someone and if they are not interested in me, the must think of me as a disgusting, pathetic, awful person. 

This even extends to current partners and relationships. If Fox turns me down because he is tired or sick or whatever, I automatically believe it is because he hates me and wishes I was gone. 

The good news is that if I sleep with someone more than a couple times and still talk with them or are friends they have survived my addiction and I generally like them and know they like me. 

So how do I cope? How do I cope with being constantly in need of sex or desire? How do I cope living with a gay roommate and staying at Foxs house with his gay-poly-family? 

I drink. And I drink a lot. Most nights I am intoxicated; some are just a buzz and others involve me passed out at 9 after only drinking for 45 minutes. I can handle being around others when I am drunk because I won't make any attempts to fuck them. And I handle making an ass of myself because at least I didn't do anything that I, or someone I care about, would regret. Which sucks because there are people I am generally interested in pursuing for non-selfish reasons that I won't go near. 


It's not a healthy life. 

I am not a healthy person. 

The First Meeting

Last night I attended my first Poly Meetup, which I have been trying to avoid at all costs. There was one that Fox and John had attempted to bring me to months ago but I was making a big deal out of not dating anyone at that point. 

It was a great experience in the end. Of course it took me a double rum and coke to calm my nerves and open up, but everyone expected that. As open as I am, social events make me nuts. Too many people, too many voices, too many judging eyes. 

But here, there were others struggling with it just as much as I am. Married couples who are just opening to the idea, single people looking to be whole an happy, and poly families of 10 years that are still struggling to make it work everyday. 

I'm not alone in this. There are others like me (although very few fully GLBT people at the meetup) and there was my family. Fox held my hand and John sat comfortably between Matt and Curtis, the new beaus who have been involved with eachother for awhile but are new to John. 

Honestly, I am looking forward to this experience more and more each day. Especially with the possibilities of finding others that  may soon join us. 

My First Poly Experience

So I think I may have lied to everyone - I have been in one other Poly relationship before. It wasnt until I began writing this that I realized it. 

Back in '03, when I lived in Southern Maryland, I took a part-time job at a local video store. I was 16(ish) and my friend was able to get me a job with her being a clerk. Working with us was Ant, a 27 year old metal head covered in ink and piercings. I feel instantly in lust with him and tried my best to get him to sleep with me. But he wouldnt touch a 16 year old (and with my history, who would?). 

Eventually we became friends. We partied after work, hung out in groups, and ended up sleeping together after a drunken night (I was now 17). Things went well at first except for his constant reminders that he was bisexual and he couldnt just be with a guy.  So he started sleeping with a coworker named Rachael too. I accepted it, because it meant that I would still see him and get what I needed out of the relationship. 

Except that I didnt. Eventually he stopped asking me to spend the night, stopped calling as much, stopped being there for me. On my 18th birthday he got me incredibly high and drunk, then informed me that he wasnt really into guys anymore and I had to go. I quit my job shortly thereafter.



Last I heard, they were living together - probably married with kids. Its been over 5 years and I still resent him for it. 

Maybe thats why I am so apprehensive about becoming Poly. Experience teaches a lot about where we've come from and where we're going. From my experience, no matter how you feel about someone, things are not permanent. You are replaceable and returnable. 

Hopefully that feeling will change over time. 

Rage Against Something...

I feel like a fuck up today. Its kinda as simple as that. 

Choices I make impact the choices others make. 

The choices others make impact further choices on my part. 

And it feels like none of them are right. 

Embodiment

Certain things tend to become embodiments for things we love or hate. They hold a place in our minds that is significant only to that object, person or place.

When I got my first car, a silver '92 Ford Escort, I was at a really strange place in my life. 16 and openly gay, my friends and I would pile into the little silver monster (which we affectionately called The Tank because I could ram it into anything and never make a dent) to skip class and run up to the mall. The Tank is where I both gave and received my first road-head, went to the drive in almost weekly and first heard David Bowie's Heathen album in my crappy little cassette player. The Tank, and all silver Ford Escorts, are an embodiment for everything that was right in my life at this time. 

The New Beau has become an embodiment for everything I am fighting in this relationship with Fox. His arrival caused an influx of great love within me for Fox and also great jealousy for him. I had asked Fox to give Matt a couple weeks rest, to focus on us (mostly me) and that I would be more comfortable in the future. Two days later, he was back in our lives. They would just "be friends," nothing sexual or emotional beyond that. But its not what I asked for and its not what Fox agreed to. Matt has become an embodiment, at no fault of his own, for my mistrust of Fox's attention to my feelings, of feeling like he is doing things behind my back, of wanting to just get through the first hump and being forced to share what I wasnt ready to share. 

And this is where it gets ugly. 

I asked Fox to remove Matt from his life completely. He agreed to, for me. Was it fair? Probably not. Was it right for me to even ask? Sure as hell was. At any time he could have said no. Do I feel like a tremendous ass? Yes - wouldn't you?

Its difficult to understand why we view things in our lives a certain way. All I know right now is that just thinking about it makes my stomach crawl. And just thinking about what Fox was willing to give up for me makes my head swim.

Guilt

I come from a Jewish family so I know all about guilt. "Why don't you call me anymore?" is the most common thing I hear when I call my family, even those I talk to weekly. So I can handle guilt. And by handle, I really mean ignore.

Case in point - today. I get a text from Fox asking if the New Beau, Matt, can hang with us tonight. After everything that has happened this week, after the intense emotional progress that I, at the very least, have gone through I never expected this.

Why would he attempt to bring him back in so soon? Why would he even bring it up? Why did I say "Sure, sounds fun!" Because of guilt.

Guilt isn't easy to escape when you let it take root. And I would feel guilty for not allowing someone I care for to be happy, even for a night.

But should I also then feel guilty for denying my own happiness? Yes and no. Although I don't want Matt around right now, I should never have agreed to something I wasn't ready for.

I can't escape the guilt I feel when I hurt fox but I can bury the guilt I have when I hurt myself, because it's easier, it's safer. It means that what I fear the most is true.

And I'm guilty of that.

The Slowest Person

So heres something I've never realized - Im slow. No, not in a helmet and drool kind of way! In a emotionally developed kind of way.

The phrase "Move at the pace of the slowest person" is a very important aspect of going poly, because it puts everyone on the same level. While one member of a poly-family may have been practicing  for years they can never forget that others are new to it. I am now considered the "slowest person," which was brought to my attention, lovingly, by Fox and John. 

Its no surprise to anyone that I am a little jaded. Using past relationships as a guideline for new relationships has made me very wary of becoming too attached to someone. Another good phrase comes to mind; "People will never live up to the expectations in your head, and you will never live up to theirs." We hold others to high in our minds. We expect them to be the best and to never hurt us, either intentionally or otherwise. 

Why is this important? Why am I okay with being the slowest person? Because I learned a very valuable lesson this week in honesty. Fox had brought home a new beau (Ive hinted at him but Im not ready to tell the whole story now) and I had a jealous fit. Like a five year old with a glandular problem, I am not ready to share my toys. Besides, I thought, I share him enough. Theres John and James, plus a host of minions (more on that later) and various friends. And why should he feel the need to go out and find someone new, arent I enough right now? 

Its not about new or enough. Its about being happy with oneself. I get that, but that doesnt mean I m ready to accept it right now. 

So they informed me that I am slow. And that they would slow down too in order for me to become more confident and secure in this new rush of emotions and feelings.

Another good quote comes to mind. "Its a good thing" - Martha Stewart (Not a hero, FYI)

Love. It burns the brain.

I dont believe in much. I dont believe in god, most scientific theories, that JFK wasn't a cover-up or that I can love someone. Love isnt probable for me. Love isnt possible for me. Love isnt smart for me. Ive got too many things to do right now and love just gets in the way.

Fox loves me. And until very recently I have been unable to cope with that. When he says "I love you" I often pretended not to hear him or just kiss him and smile. 

In the end it comes down to one thing - is he worth it? 

Before I answer that, let me explain Jealousy.

Jealousy is an ugly little monster that lives deep in my stomach. Its black, ugly and mean. It rises up at random and makes me turn into a wretched lunatic. I admittedly get jealous easily. At the bar when someone sits too close to Fox, when I find out hes online chatting with some guy, when he talks about someone cute that he sees at a bus stop on our way to lunch. And when, after Fox's 10th time asking me to be his boyfriend and I turn him down saying "Its easier just like this. Why change it?" he brings home a new guy. One that is perfect for him. One that may be able to return that love that I refuse to acknowledge exists. 

Thats when Jealousy goes berserk. It led to four drunken nights full of hideous texts, phone calls and crying visits. It lead me to chat drunkenly with John and Little Fox (Fox's sorta-ex that moved to Oregon - the one that got away.) about why I needed to leave Fox because I couldn't handle it. I attempted to leave him no less than three times in four days.

It was ugly.

And it also led to me being able to tell Fox I loved him. Because I do. Because hes worth it. And thats whats so difficult for me. 

Its not the poly thing, or the relationship thing, or the sex thing, or the other guy thing. Its the love thing. Thats what scares me the most.